Stingrays or Us? at No Man’s Blog

In the wake of the recent, unprovoked attack on Steve Irwin by a rogue stingray, we have to wonder whose side our marine biologists and other scientists are on. Following the Irwin incident, accounts of several other stingray incidents have come to light, including one yesterday in which a stingray leaped from the water into a boat and stuck its barb into the chest of an 81 year-old man.

Experts (marine biologists, I assume) persist in telling the public that such stingray incidents are extremely rare. David DuBois, (MD, MS, FAAEM, FACEP) states:

Stingrays do not actually attack. Injuries from these shark-like creatures are usually defensive actions. Once disturbed, their venomous stinger (spine) near the base of their tails lashes out and can cause punctures or lacerations (cuts). Their mouth parts do not cause injury, but a hickey can occur if they try to suck you. (From Effluent: A personal thanks to Dr. DuBois for translating the words stinger and laceration for me. I never would have known….)

Usually defensive actions? Do not actually attack? The nasty thing leaps out of the water to sting a defenseless octogenarian in the heart, and the guy calls it defensive? I don’t think so! And I certainly wouldn’t want to suffer a puncture or laceration from one of those slimy bastards, much less a hickey! And this Dubois fellow claims that approximately 1,500 stingray-induced injuries occur in the United States annually. Really?

But never fear. I have it on good authority from a source in the White House (Karl Rove), that the administration’s warrant-less eavesdropping program has documented a number of cell phone calls made from Atlantic stingrays (Evildoer Christianus) off the Florida coast to Leopard stingrays (Evildoer Islamicus) inhabiting the Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman. (The warrant-less eavesdropping program is pertinent here because the Atlantic stingrays in question reside within 12 nautical miles of the coast of the United States.) Of course, Mr. Rove denies that the actual content of the calls was recorded. But any simpleton can put two and two together and figure out what’s really going on. We have Atlantic stingrays in frequent contact with Islamic Leopard stingrays. Need anything more be said? Obviously the Islamic stingrays are teaching the Atlantic stingrays the intricacies of suicide-barbing! (Disclaimer: When questioned, National Security Agency language experts deny any knowledge of stingray lingo. But who knows?)

Wake up America!

Upon receiving a recent National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) from the U.S. intelligence community regarding the upsurge in stingray “defensive actions” in American waters, President George W. Bush is quoted as saying:

…[A]ll nations should know: America will do what is necessary to ensure our nation’s security. We’ll be deliberate, yet time is not on our side. I will not wait on events, while dangers gather.

Yeah. Just like you did it with North Korea, Mr. Bush? Isn’t it about time you rounded up the marine biologists—without warrants, because who cares about warrants?—and questioned them at Guantanamo? Those ‘biologists” are trying to lull us into a false sense of security, dammit!

One last note: In 1608 a stingray in the Chesapeake Bay injured Captain John Smith, the explorer who founded the Jamestown settlement, potentially foiling the development of our fair nation.

It’s been going on longer than we suspected.

Technorati Tags: Steve Irwin, stingray, marine biologists, David DuBois, White House, Karl Rove, warrant-less eavesdropping, Persian Gulf, Gulf of Oman, National Intelligence Estimate, George W. Bush, North Korea, Captain John Smith